disperse

02 April 2003 - 23:57

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

On my bus ride, I saw a company called Deconstruction. Their slogan was "the art of dismantling things for reuse." So true, on so many levels.

This is tentative (and hinted at in worth and together-apart and nearly explicit in becky)...a way to make a belief system visible, but I don't know what the world would be like if we changed this belief system.

We connect emotions with experiences. I'm in love with him because he said, "Nothing ever breaks." I'm sad because I'm afraid she's making choices that will drive us apart and hurt her life. I'm hurt because everyone left me. I used to dismantle belief systems that were more obvious, for example, take apart connections like alone = unworthy. But that still assumes that unworthy and an emotion are connected, and what if they're not? Or what if they don't have to be?

Today I lay on my bed in the dark and tried to remove the "because's"; I simply attempted to generate pure emotion. I'm in love, so happy, so safe. I'm sad, so dark, so bottomless.
Consciously chosen "inappropriate" affect.

*
I keep getting this swooning feeling, and I know what it used to be "connected" to (the light in this room in the mornings, the breathiness of that voice, "the way you kiss will always be a very special thing to me"), and now I'm simply bathed in it from time to time, and I honestly don't know anything anymore. What I should do, what I should feel. It's like I am living through entropy; every connection I thought I could trust is being broken on every level, in thought or human bonds, and everything is becoming increasingly contextual and homogenous, and maybe free(?). I feel this enormous, ripening promise; it really is the noise of my life becoming the life of this garden. And that's the magic of creativity: you make the plants, but they have a life of their own, and they'll show you yourself in ways you could never have imagined.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>