a wall, heart valves

25 February 2003 - 22:27

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

My life sounds like sunshine and roses, and really, it's not so bad. It's definitely heading towards sunshine and roses. But no, it's not there right now. If I could write how 'not there' it is, no one would ever believe my purple prose again.

If I wrote *what* he's been doing and *who* called me to tell me...The fact is, I don't even know the truth.

I used to fear I had a tragic flaw, that there was something in me that eternally pushed away what I wanted most: the mere desire for it. No, I don't believe that now. But to meet someone like that, to do everything right, and to have this high a chance of losing him...

I know there are things in me that must be fixed (or maybe I still must acquire a deeper awareness that *nothing* needs to be fixed). I know I keep getting closer. But there are still times when this seems like too much.

The fact is, I am staring down my biggest fear, that hole when someone leaves, and yes, I've taken damage -- yes, I've eaten too much, cried more than I wanted to, made plans I won't carry through -- but overall I have been quiet and strong and full of love inside. Overall, I have met that abyss full on and stared the nothingness out of it until when I think of *what* he might be doing and *who* called, I can still say nothing ever breaks, I can still say I will go on, I can still say my life is only getting better.

But...a Henry Miller quote is running through my head:
"If at any moment anywhere one comes face to face with the absolute, the great sympathy which makes men like Gautama and Jesus seem divine freezes away; the monstrous thing is not that men have created roses out of this dung heap, but that for some reason or other, they should want roses."

And Anne Carson...
"Everyone has a wall to go to; everyone has heart valves to cure in the night air."

What it's like to think of walking through a house. And what it's like to do it. To walk through that house. What it's like to imagine him holding me again. What it's like to feel those arms around me. What it's like to know what I will have to say. What it's like to ... hold back a dam during a monsoon. Walk up a waterfall. Rearrange stars.

I'm sorry, Henry, I do want roses.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>