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you've been falling all your life, and now you're at the top of the cliff01 March 2003 - 07:05 To everyone who calls looking for him, to everyone who I think might know where he is, I say, "Please let him know I'm not angry or hurt, and that if he needs to talk, he can talk to me." Since I was very young, I had a fantasy of loving someone who had done so many "bad" things that no one could love him. A fantasy of teaching him to love himself, healing him. I thought I'd met this fantasy: someone seemed to fit it once; I tried and failed to love him enough. This time I found someone who truly fit it, let him slam against my glass wall and see that it will never break. I can somehow love everyone gracefully now. My fantasy is one most people have to act out on themselves, not someone else. Still, I feel like part of my life is complete. We were both terrified of the dark. Yet he took me to the waterfall in the middle of the night. My eyes scattered the one or two lightwaves present into rainbows, and I could see nothing. I gripped his arm, meandered down the path with him until I could feel the waterfall spray. He stepped back, gasping. We had almost walked right off a ledge into the water. His gasping triggered my fear, and we stood at the edge, waterfall rising two hundred and fifty feet above us, and tried to catch our breath... |