a state of grace constantly reinstating itself

14 September 2002 - 02:04

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

i have had fairly severe, often debilitating, depression for three years now. i feel like now i may be coming out of it, without antidepressants or (right now) therapy. you see, the past few months i was thrown into a lot of situations that can really show a person who she is. i have been surrounded by lives i don't want my life to turn into.

i still have really ugly moments where i think the world is fundamentally not ok and neither am i. but there really isn't anything to do besides try to become the person i want to be, even if it *is* pointless. (i don't truly believe it is.)

i always had big goals when i was sad -- to see a large enough view of this giant work of art we're all in to make it pretty, and to love people (including myself) in as pure a way as possible. i have made a lot of progress on the latter. i am not so afraid of losing people anymore because i know every city is full of amazing people, and the right people always end up close to me in some way. and i also am couched so much deeper in my belief that we did not enter this life incomplete, and i don't need anyone. not needing has allowed me to explore things with people without asking for certain cultural standards (although i can feel myself growing out of this lifestyle).

dave observed that depression is an especially hard illness to fight because the things that make you better are the very things that are hardest (e.g., getting out of bed, talking to people, etc). there is a way to change your beliefs to make it possible to keep moving, though: accept depression as a valid but temporary fate, brought to you by your beliefs, which you have the control to change. think what thoughts you would have if you were ok, and then keep moving towards them, no matter how hard it seems.

the one thing that is harder than going on is not going on.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>