loss is the biggest illusion

22 September 2002 - 23:09

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

i used to fall in love with whomever was closest to meeting what i perceived as my needs.

then i was hit over the head with something that seemed like it came from another world -- home. someone who i felt fit me better than i'd ever dreamed. for a little while i believed in *the one.* in retrospect, we didn't really know each other at all.

after that i was afraid. did i really love one person -- that person -- more than anyone else? if so, does that mean some people are more lovable than others? if so, could i then (as i'd always feared) be one of those people who is inherently less lovable? i decided everyone had to be equally lovable, so i ought to be able to date anyone. i made myself love someone i wasn't really that compatible with. and it did work. i did truly come to love him, despite all the damage we did to each other.

the next person i fully gave my heart to was another surprise. but i loved him terribly, more than i thought i would love someone again. (oh, i'm forgetting myself. i wrote all about that.) it ended in a mess, as i described. once again, we never really knew each other at all.

but i *did* know this: life is infinitely regenerative. no matter what you do to it. there will always be someone you love.

this is a conversation i had with my friend jared once:
jared: we are all spiritual partners.
donna: then why do i take some people as lovers and not others?
jared: fantasy.

some people are part of you in ways others aren't. but people who aren't so close can sometimes teach you things those people couldn't. sometimes swooning love is just an attempt to love yourself through someone else, a distraction, although your connection is very real. (if you are so consumed with someone you think of her more than yourself, are you really actualizing *your* potential?) i feel now that compatibility is dictated largely by awareness and focus. do you know who you are? do you know what you're working on? do you realize the freedom we have to create with each other?

relationships are co-creative. art. a dance. the dance may be more beautiful when the dancers have been working on it beyond this enchanted evening. but people who can truly see themselves and each other can bridge worlds.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>