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diaryland

yes, i embrace

09 June 2009 - 10:07

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

Observation 1. Certain aspects of my life, although they appear to be completely under my control, are extremely difficult to change. Almost every time I make a plan to change, I fail to follow it.

Observation 2. I always become nostalgic for moments of my past, no matter how painful they were when I was inside of them. Part of me would love to relive times that no sane person would elect to go through.

Observation 3. Nothing, absolutely nothing in my experience, has been constant.

I feel like we are living in a time -- or at least I am living a life -- that seeks to take notions of "good" and "bad" and turn them on their heads. I feel as if actualizing my desires and dreams for myself in some ways would be missing the point completely. That is, actualizing my desires and dreams for myself without thoroughly appreciating what incited them and the entire journey that brings them to fruition, no matter what "unacceptable" place that journey takes me, is missing the point.

I have never made a lasting change out of hate for a current circumstance.

I brought this up with Kale, and he said it's been something he's been working on for years, and he calls it a state of "no fight."

"I mean, it's just this one instant, and that's what we're always in, and this is the narrative of everyone's life, and that behind the phenomenal differences there is but one story. And that's the story of moving from the no to the yes. All of life is like, no thank you, no thank you, no thank you, and then ultimately it's like, yes, I give in, yes I accept, yes, I embrace. I mean, that's the journey. I mean, everyone gets to be yes in the end, right?"
-- from the movie Waking Life

Every experience I'm having has profound meaning to me, even though at times it's taken me years to understand that meaning. To sit with one line of consciousness, "This is what's hurting me; this is what I want to change; this is my level of progress," denies the richness of my experience. Life is more than a clean house, a perfect body, a satisfying love relationship: it's the dandelion growing through the crack in the sidewalk, the new packaging on the milk carton, celestial arrays -- star patterns and cloudscapes.

I feel like the things that seem peripheral are my being's way of communicating to me the intricacy, intimacy, and beauty of every moment.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>