new
*
archive
*
random
*
profile
*
notes
*
e-mail
*
diaryland

torture. there, I said it.

02 March 2007 - 23:03

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

Only this week did I tell Becky and Kale that I am obsessed with torture. I think (and panic) about it at least 30 times a day, sometimes much more. I can't help reading every news article about it that pops up on my Google homepage. I can't stand that it happens to anyone, and I am besieged by this sick feeling that if it is happening to anyone, it must be happening to me. I do believe that one's life in some way reflects what one concentrates on (but not necessarily thinks), but avoiding contemplating torture has been near impossible for me in the past year. It reminds me of when, as a child, I discovered a passage in the Bible that said that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit was the only unforgivable sin, the only direct ticket to hell, and I couldn't help thinking in my mind, fuck the Holy Spirit.

My obsession is so consuming we were joking about contacting Amnesty International and asking someone to write me a letter to stop me from torturing myself about torture.

Kale engaged me in a lengthy discussion on the topic. He noted that torture makes a person acutely aware she is alive, and aware of what life is. He said that some people are present enough to glean that awareness from day to day events (WITHOUT torture). We decided that perhaps the world's greatest travesty is not exactly torture, itself, but rather the way the experience of being tortured or the fear of torture can cause one to lose *appreciation for LIFE*.

Somewhat tangentally related (in terms of the torture of counterproductive obsessions): I have spent years trying to become more aware of where I place my attention on a moment to moment basis and also how to shift my attention. A rule in a book Becky found at Powell's has been a breakthrough towards this pursuit for me. It is not a new idea, but here it is, in case it helps anyone else: "Only talk about that which is fun" (Nancy Retzlaff). As I attempt to follow this rule, what holds my attention becomes quite obvious. Perhaps, even more than I suspected, I am finding my way out of my own self-imposed torture.

***
Okay, now go read this. It's better than what I just wrote.

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>