*
archive
*
random
*
profile
*
notes
*
*
diaryland
reclamation
23 February 2007 - 09:53
A running joke with Becky and now Kale is my disturbingly fickle network of likes and dislikes. I think years ago Becky took it upon herself to note all my opinion-mood changes within a space of time and point them out to me: "I love other people!" "People are just awful." "I hate French!" "French is the MOST beautiful language in the world." "Max is my favorite cat." "Torbie is my favorite cat." "Burt is the best cat we've ever had." "Even watching people eat eggs makes me sick." "I don't know how I went so long without eating eggs." "No, I *definitely* don't want any eggs right now."
Disorienting, I know. But it does feel wonderful to begin to like something I thought I hated. The Portland rain, for example. The gray skies make the colors so vivid, and people here know the best color combinations to paint their houses. And really, what doesn't look better when it's glistening?
Who needs a stable personality? Isn't life about experience?
Four years ago I came to a place in my life where for the first time I wanted to make my life about *me.* I slowly shifted that goal as I unexpectedly fell in love with someone. But that feeling, both of wanting to take control of my life and of falling head over heels, transformed everything around me and made it magical. The joy of that time was so intense that I reclaimed falling in love: I realized that the feeling is *not* about another person, but about me. It wells up in me not only in response to another person (someone I often barely know), but in response to where I am in my life. The other person often becomes a symbol... In that case years ago, I quickly lost the person I loved, but it did not interrupt my joy.
I don't normally step off my web page and talk to YOU, but I'm doing it right now. The greatest joy of your life (that *I* know) is to reclaim falling in love. It is a treat you gave yourself, a place you brought yourself, a reflection of where you are and what you need. Sometimes someone really will be there to share it with you, maybe forever, and sometimes that person won't stick around. You will turn into something new (every day if you want), but you will stick around.
All loves really are one love; all love is the force of life sweeping through you, remaking everything around you. When you reclaim falling in love, you don't even need another person to be there. You simply become sensitive to the movement of your life, a movement you gracefully, more gracefully than I suspect anyone realizes, orchestrate. You feel the upswing, which is something that will happen to you, no matter how long the pause in between.
I don't know why, but Earl Grey tea with a little honey really helps.
