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wisteria lane

04 October 2006 - 21:47

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

In another stunning move of Follow Your Impulses, I took a walk as the sun was setting in the overcast sky this evening. I would normally not leave the house if I hadn't showered in 4 days, but tonight I simply dusted on some garish eyeshadow, pulled up my hood, ducked and hopped through the gauntlet that leads to my front door and -- ESCAPED!

Once outside I saw that the weather was conspiring with me: a sprinkle of rain had begun, so I wouldn't look strange walking around with my hood up. Lately I have been making progress in fits and starts and feeling frustrated that I can't seem to follow a steady line of development (or at least movement). I read the words of my dear friend Becky and lament that I am in this dark world leading a relatively boring life. My walk tonight reminded me of the beauty of where I live, and how no matter what I'm doing that beauty is utterly engrossing. My dreams last night showed me I don't physically need to move anywhere to have a fascinating life.

I'm starting to see life differently in two ways. First, I feel as though it is a delightful journey that moves through me, rather than something I follow. I feel like part of me who knows me and my potential is leading me to all these lush, evocative places (or leading those places through me, to the extent I will open myself to the grandeur). Second, I feel like it is a game of "hot and cold" with feelings as the barometer. Good feelings show me if my thoughts, beliefs, and actions are bringing me closer to myself and bad feelings show me when I'm getting further away. Of course, this is all symbolic, because I think in Reality I am never closer or further away from myself or even separate.

Excitement coursed through me as I walked tonight. Manic, dramatic phrases repeated in my head ("Go west. Build a dream. Watch it fall down!" as I walked west.) I made up odes to friends, near and far away, tried to pretend Becky was with me (it's not the same without you!), and I managed to get lost in my own neighborhood. I closed my eyes, counted to five, tried to stay in the present moment instead of the future and the past, tried to let the world creep in, tried to open myself, my heart beating like a badge in my chest. I could only keep my eyes closed to the count of three, but trust is something that takes time. Time spent learning trust slips by so deliciously.
06-12-05 Sunset

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>