Two Orange Chairs, One Dark Sky, Three parts

10 June 2005 - 00:43

<<--unravel * reintegrate-->>

Part One

What can make two friends who share every part of their lives in the most seamless harmony into strangers who hesitate to tell each other the truth about what matters most to them?

I know one thing: fear of separation/fear of lack of acceptance. One way to instill this in another human being is to chastise him for his decisions, threaten to leave him because he is following a path that is important to him in some way.

That seems to be a clear misdeed, does it not?

But what if that person spends all your money on something that interests him and not you? Or what if that important path of which you don�t approve causes him to die in front of your face? At what point, if any, are two people�s happiness mutually exclusive?

I don�t always know the answer to that question. There are places where it seems black and white: You like to make paper airplanes; it bores me. So you spend an hour a week with a friend who shares your interest. You need to hit me to work out your problems. The damage to my body is so unpleasant I remove myself from the situation.

But then there are situations where I�m met with shades of gray: You�re out all night, and you don�t call. You weren�t doing anything that betrays me besides worrying me. Or� You are using a drug I feel is dangerous, but on which there is actually very little literature to back up my fears, and you feel the ill effects are worth the benefits.

***
Nearly six years ago, the path I couldn�t accept was a break up. I couldn�t deal with my first boyfriend falling out of love with me. There was a moment during what I thought was the last meal we would ever share that I was able to drop all the thoughts from my mind, those long tendrils of yearning for a different life. I watched him eat, and I stopped framing the moment as, �This is our last time together. The person who is most dear to my soul is about to walk away and leave me alone. I don�t want to live through this.� Instead, I thought, �He is right here in front of me, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I don't care if he doesn't want to kiss me or be with me, and any expectation or idea I have about our future pales next to just being here.�

***
For more than a year now, the advice I get is, �Leave your friends.� (And incidentally, some people have given one of my friends the same advice about *me.*)

I understand what motivates that advice. What is gray for me is definitely black and white for other people. I also know it�s very fashionable not to let people �disrespect� you.

I have discovered a piece of advice that is useful both for gray areas and for black and white: before you �leave your friends� or decide not to, look at yourself.

Part Three

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